June 19th 2025

I finally paid off the emergency €10k loan I took to buy a car back in 2023.
We paid €446.7 every month over 2 years.
At first it was complicated: previous car engine broke right after a €1.7k clutch replacement job and I got €350 for the totalled car.

Then my I got not-so-subtle termination threats because I couldn't go to the office for 30 days, so I took a loan at 7% and bought a car that looked in a good state. Changed the tires, did an extra bed inspection by my mechanic. Honestly looked good, sounded good, etc and it was one of the reliable Toyotas, so I was confident.

After 2 weeks, an injector gave up and the high pressure pump died. There it was again, 30 days in the shop, the seller didn't want to pay for the 3 others injectors who were about to fail so I paid €3k for 3 injectors and gave and extra €250 to my mechanic who lost money in the ordeal (don't buy a car in Brussels btw).

Then I was laid off 6 months later, right before my birthday and Christmas with a little guy about to have his first Christmas and went from €2.3k/mo to €1.6k/mo and still 18 * €446.7 left to pay on that car.

Started my company which costed about €1k and 4 months wait + some other smaller fees.

So I dreamed about today, I thought I would wake up feeling relieved: I was finally debt free.
As someone who's always been anti-debt, it was the day I would finally own my car and breath.
But turns out that I had to take payment plans on the endless taxes the Belgian state has been throwing at me (about 3k for the year) and I had to borrow about 1k to pay for food and heat and now I'm still €1660 behind with a €620 insurance bill (for half a year btw) late on my €800 rent, €144 VAT and a coming social security tax (the famous European free healthcare).

A client owes me money, contacted him and he literally sent me a picture of him at the beach in Italy with the caption "10 days vacation" then sent me half (€200).

Now I'm applying to all jobs I find so that I can pay those things and put some money aside for our baby who comes in November.

Still betting on that SaaS I'm building but it's not a basic CRUD app so it takes time to build, I'm not even working on it full time anymore because I spend all my days applying to shitjobs.

This is not me whining, I think it was all in all a positive experience, on a deeper level.
Living through this had a positive impact on my marriage (I think) and definitely brought me closer to God, as I believe He puts these hardships in our lives to call us to Him.
It didn't instantly brought me to Him but it reminds me that I am nothing and only live by His grace and mercy.

I've always felt that life was an endless suffering, with some nice breaks inbetween.
I started to think otherwise but quickly got humbled back to reality: I am a man who has to go to most if not all extent to fullfill his duty towards his family.
Is "abnegation" a word in English?

It is what it is and I accepted that faith. I will work until the day I can't anymore, then I will die.
I don't dream about living on a boat in the carribeans or being an eternal man-child like what it seems is the norm in my generation.
I just want to provide for my family and those that will come and bear my name in the distant future.

One day, I will own land and work from dusk till dawn and laugh at what I thought were hardships. But I will die knowing that I gave my life for something greater than me.

My father always told me that dying for something was idiotic. That it's much harder to live for something.

I live.